I need to move on with my life for now!

Follow my next blog which shall not mention my ex, but shall focus on me!

I just wish he would spend some time away from everyone!

I think that he needs time away from everyone! Me and her!

LIES

You know all those things that people make you believe if you do them your marriage will be saved its all a lie.

I was watching clean house and they eluded to happiness in a clean house--LIE!
Losing weight and being more sexually appealing-LIE!
Surrendering and believing in trusting your spouse-LIE!

There all just lies that force you to waist time believing that the relationship might be saved. Once a man becomes infatuated with another woman there is no chance. Don't waist your breath trying to make it work!

Pain

Life was hard enough knowing that he was leaving me for a year to do a nobble quest, but now it is forever. Is this his way of saving me the pain of another deployment? I would take a 1000 deployments over this pain.

FAKE MARRIAGE VOWS

Do you, Joseph Freedom Whitefeather, take , Bonnie Sarah Foster to be your wife, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part. I will love you and honor you all the days of my life.

How can those words that he said such a short time ago hold no value or significance now? Why are people asked to say these words if there is an easy way out?

TO JOE WHITEFEATHER ONE DAY

JOE:
On the off chance that one day you stumble across this ranting, I hope that you made the right choice and I hope you are happy with the choice you made! I hope that you will be able to forgive me one day for destroying our marriage.

At this moment my heart is broken and I can not see anything more than the heart ache. I know there is nothing that binds us to each other anymore, so I hope that we will not have to relive the past anymore. I would have gladly taken you back, but I am not sure that I will be able believe you when you say that you do still love me.

How can you love me even a little and do the horrid things that you did? With that why couldn't you have just told me that you HATE me. Wouldn't it be easier for me to know that you hate me with every fiber of your being than have to be constantly reminded that there is a man out there who still loves me, but doesn't want to be with me?

ME

The PRAYER that I should have prayed years ago

DEAR GOD,
Please forgive me for being a terrible child. I have neglected your love and guidance for so many years. I stand before you a humble child on the crossroads of life. I know that you have my best interest at heart. Is my life suppose to be on this disastrous course? I need your guidance now more than ever!

Please guide Joe's love back to me and allow him to see what has been sitting right here all along. I know that I missed out on a life time of love because I failed to see the person looking right at me. Please do not allow Joe to make the same mistake that I made. I pray that it is not to late!

Please forgive me!

Love,
Your unworthy child, who screwed up all that you gave her!

Moving OUT

I have my whole family coming over this weekend to help move me out of the home that I had built with my spouse. I have everyone offering to help me except the one person in this world who I want to help me.

There is nothing more that I want in this world than to have my husband call me and tell me that he was wrong and that he still loves me and is so sorry that he forced me to go through all this pain.

Wish There was SOMEONE to talk to

I wish I could talk to someone other than my family about the drama Joe and I have been through. Maybe church- I am being punished by God for doubting him. Now I have two men pissed off at me and not returning my affection.

Emptiness

You would think that when your body is completely empty with nothing left it would let you know, but it doesn't. Sleep is unappealing, food has no meaning, and my mouth does not yearn for the sweet relief of a sip of water. Instead I can go days without sleep, eating nothing for nearly a week, and drink less than I release and still keep moving.

I feel like life is hopeless and my world has ended. Everyone around me says "are you hungry? Have you eaten?" NO and NO! I can not eat and I no longer feel hunger. To satisfy Joe, I ate a cheese sandwich last night, but I wasn't hungry. Now that he has taken that love away, I am even more empty inside. An emptiness that food, drink, sleep, or even sex could fill.

I still love him!

I still love him!!

How to proceed

I don't know how to proceed?! Do I just sign the papers and say I'm free. Do I drag my feet and wait for him to leave, so that we are still married as long as possible? Do I wait for him to come back? Could I take him back even if he did come back?

I know that I am not going to be filing the paperwork! If Joe really wants a divorce then he can pay for both lawyers and the filling fees. I refuse to end our 13 year relationship in this manner. If he wants to be free then he is going to have to rely on himself to get shit done.

The one thing that I do know at this point is that I still feel like taking Joe back. I still love him! I still think that with time, my new found change, and a therapist that we could work out our problems and have a marriage that would be even more solid than the one that we started. A relationship that gives Joseph everything that he ever wanted. I just wish that Joe would have given me another chance and was really working on it with me not texting his "sweetie."

HE thinks that she is different then me, but she is not. She is just us back in our honeymoon phase. I just wish he could see this before it is to late. I use to listen to him. He use to make me laugh. We use to have a great time, but then life and stuff got in the way. Already she begs him to give her money. I need money to save my storage unit. I need cigarettes. I SAY GET A FREAKIN JOB! Why should you always be asking another persons husband for money!!

Joe is foolish. I just wish that he could have seen the truth before he had to hurt the only person who has stood by him for all these years. Which leaves me wondering do, I return to his side and once again take him back if he were to ask?

The big "D" word finally rears its ugly head

So Joe went off to play war again and again he did his disgusting break up ploy where he calls me to tell me that he is finished with me. I finally realized what I had been doing wrong. I found this book that my mother had actually given to me on my wedding night. I thought yeah right that's never going to be me. I will never be a surrendered wife, but I finally started reading it and learned that it is really a book that shows you how to respect your mate. I read the book and took the suggestions to heart.

I just went to visit Joe, and after getting him in trouble with his squad leader, the squad leader let him come home with me. We spent 5 glorious days playing the makeup game, everything was going great until he got the text that he had to be at drill at 8. With that text came the real Joe, he told me that he wanted a divorce and everything that I have done is to late. I told him that I would accept his decision.

I accept that it is over and I will not pursue him any longer. Unfortunately, that still does not save me the pain. I have been unable to eat, sleep or drink for the last 10 days. I have lost nearly 30 pounds already. I am beginning to feel really great, but I also fear that I am becoming anorexic. I have lost all control of everything else, but no one can force me to eat. It feels very freeing. Every time food comes near my lips I want to vomit. I am okay with this disorder, some times it is overrated. I just don't feel like eating.

I only have 5 feelings at this time and none of them are positive. All my feelings are dark and cold, I see no end of these horrid feelings. I feel:

• Cold
• Lonely
• depressed
• hurt
• numb

I wish these feelings would fade away, but I see no end in sight. I wish I could talk to someone about the way things ended.

Anyone know what an article 134 does?

I have recently come into some information that may stop the cheating for at least a year. An article 134 is used when a married soldier is found having an affair. All I have to prove is that sex has occurred (Admitted by her), we are married (done), and that the affair might have a negative affect on the appearance of the military (since he invited her to base while he is away for the next three weeks and has been leaving base to visit her, check).

I have every intention of presenting this information to my husband tomorrow and see what he says.

I am tired of this bull shit and can not stand her taunts: she actually had the nerve to text me "I am writing to let u know that joe does not want to talk to you to stop calling and texting him. Thanks, Amanda. Sorry I am on the phone with hiim and he aint gonna answer. quit calling him he is not going to answer your call. Sorry but you lost....LMAO. Leave my man alone. He dont want u cause he got me. and go sit on a rock somewhere. he will call u with me on the phone.Leave him alone it is over between u 2. "

Well lets see if she still wants him after he is court martial under the article 134. He will be kicked out of the military and he is to stupid to get a decent paying job.

Enjoy...Bitches!

Here we go again!

So here we go again. My husband has once again left home for a military drill and the very first thing he did when he got to his destination was to call the home-wrecking slut. I of course saw the phone calls on the bill once again.

I blocked her happy ass and now she can no longer interfere with my relationship at least from her phone. If I start seeing a bunch of phone calls from a new number I of course will block them too.

Joe once again asked why he can't be friends with Amanda; I am tempted to go find a man and show him how this crap feels. I am sure that he would be even more devastated if he were on the receiving end of the cheating relationship.

I feel like my husband has ripped out my heart over and over again in the past year. Every time he has the notion to do the Mexican hat dance he uses my heart to do it.

I am devoid of all emotions from this dance. I have no sorrow, love, happiness, or sadness left.

I just finished watching the movie Eat, Pray, Love and I am Liz...I am stuck in a marriage that has left me emotionless. I want to travel for a year too. I want to visit Italy, France, and Portugal.