DEAR GOD,
Please forgive me for being a terrible child. I have neglected your love and guidance for so many years. I stand before you a humble child on the crossroads of life. I know that you have my best interest at heart. Is my life suppose to be on this disastrous course? I need your guidance now more than ever!
Please guide Joe's love back to me and allow him to see what has been sitting right here all along. I know that I missed out on a life time of love because I failed to see the person looking right at me. Please do not allow Joe to make the same mistake that I made. I pray that it is not to late!
Please forgive me!
Love,
Your unworthy child, who screwed up all that you gave her!
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Moving OUT
I have my whole family coming over this weekend to help move me out of the home that I had built with my spouse. I have everyone offering to help me except the one person in this world who I want to help me.
There is nothing more that I want in this world than to have my husband call me and tell me that he was wrong and that he still loves me and is so sorry that he forced me to go through all this pain.
There is nothing more that I want in this world than to have my husband call me and tell me that he was wrong and that he still loves me and is so sorry that he forced me to go through all this pain.
Wish There was SOMEONE to talk to
I wish I could talk to someone other than my family about the drama Joe and I have been through. Maybe church- I am being punished by God for doubting him. Now I have two men pissed off at me and not returning my affection.
Emptiness
You would think that when your body is completely empty with nothing left it would let you know, but it doesn't. Sleep is unappealing, food has no meaning, and my mouth does not yearn for the sweet relief of a sip of water. Instead I can go days without sleep, eating nothing for nearly a week, and drink less than I release and still keep moving.
I feel like life is hopeless and my world has ended. Everyone around me says "are you hungry? Have you eaten?" NO and NO! I can not eat and I no longer feel hunger. To satisfy Joe, I ate a cheese sandwich last night, but I wasn't hungry. Now that he has taken that love away, I am even more empty inside. An emptiness that food, drink, sleep, or even sex could fill.
I feel like life is hopeless and my world has ended. Everyone around me says "are you hungry? Have you eaten?" NO and NO! I can not eat and I no longer feel hunger. To satisfy Joe, I ate a cheese sandwich last night, but I wasn't hungry. Now that he has taken that love away, I am even more empty inside. An emptiness that food, drink, sleep, or even sex could fill.
How to proceed
I don't know how to proceed?! Do I just sign the papers and say I'm free. Do I drag my feet and wait for him to leave, so that we are still married as long as possible? Do I wait for him to come back? Could I take him back even if he did come back?
I know that I am not going to be filing the paperwork! If Joe really wants a divorce then he can pay for both lawyers and the filling fees. I refuse to end our 13 year relationship in this manner. If he wants to be free then he is going to have to rely on himself to get shit done.
The one thing that I do know at this point is that I still feel like taking Joe back. I still love him! I still think that with time, my new found change, and a therapist that we could work out our problems and have a marriage that would be even more solid than the one that we started. A relationship that gives Joseph everything that he ever wanted. I just wish that Joe would have given me another chance and was really working on it with me not texting his "sweetie."
HE thinks that she is different then me, but she is not. She is just us back in our honeymoon phase. I just wish he could see this before it is to late. I use to listen to him. He use to make me laugh. We use to have a great time, but then life and stuff got in the way. Already she begs him to give her money. I need money to save my storage unit. I need cigarettes. I SAY GET A FREAKIN JOB! Why should you always be asking another persons husband for money!!
Joe is foolish. I just wish that he could have seen the truth before he had to hurt the only person who has stood by him for all these years. Which leaves me wondering do, I return to his side and once again take him back if he were to ask?
I know that I am not going to be filing the paperwork! If Joe really wants a divorce then he can pay for both lawyers and the filling fees. I refuse to end our 13 year relationship in this manner. If he wants to be free then he is going to have to rely on himself to get shit done.
The one thing that I do know at this point is that I still feel like taking Joe back. I still love him! I still think that with time, my new found change, and a therapist that we could work out our problems and have a marriage that would be even more solid than the one that we started. A relationship that gives Joseph everything that he ever wanted. I just wish that Joe would have given me another chance and was really working on it with me not texting his "sweetie."
HE thinks that she is different then me, but she is not. She is just us back in our honeymoon phase. I just wish he could see this before it is to late. I use to listen to him. He use to make me laugh. We use to have a great time, but then life and stuff got in the way. Already she begs him to give her money. I need money to save my storage unit. I need cigarettes. I SAY GET A FREAKIN JOB! Why should you always be asking another persons husband for money!!
Joe is foolish. I just wish that he could have seen the truth before he had to hurt the only person who has stood by him for all these years. Which leaves me wondering do, I return to his side and once again take him back if he were to ask?
The big "D" word finally rears its ugly head
So Joe went off to play war again and again he did his disgusting break up ploy where he calls me to tell me that he is finished with me. I finally realized what I had been doing wrong. I found this book that my mother had actually given to me on my wedding night. I thought yeah right that's never going to be me. I will never be a surrendered wife, but I finally started reading it and learned that it is really a book that shows you how to respect your mate. I read the book and took the suggestions to heart.
I just went to visit Joe, and after getting him in trouble with his squad leader, the squad leader let him come home with me. We spent 5 glorious days playing the makeup game, everything was going great until he got the text that he had to be at drill at 8. With that text came the real Joe, he told me that he wanted a divorce and everything that I have done is to late. I told him that I would accept his decision.
I accept that it is over and I will not pursue him any longer. Unfortunately, that still does not save me the pain. I have been unable to eat, sleep or drink for the last 10 days. I have lost nearly 30 pounds already. I am beginning to feel really great, but I also fear that I am becoming anorexic. I have lost all control of everything else, but no one can force me to eat. It feels very freeing. Every time food comes near my lips I want to vomit. I am okay with this disorder, some times it is overrated. I just don't feel like eating.
I only have 5 feelings at this time and none of them are positive. All my feelings are dark and cold, I see no end of these horrid feelings. I feel:
I just went to visit Joe, and after getting him in trouble with his squad leader, the squad leader let him come home with me. We spent 5 glorious days playing the makeup game, everything was going great until he got the text that he had to be at drill at 8. With that text came the real Joe, he told me that he wanted a divorce and everything that I have done is to late. I told him that I would accept his decision.
I accept that it is over and I will not pursue him any longer. Unfortunately, that still does not save me the pain. I have been unable to eat, sleep or drink for the last 10 days. I have lost nearly 30 pounds already. I am beginning to feel really great, but I also fear that I am becoming anorexic. I have lost all control of everything else, but no one can force me to eat. It feels very freeing. Every time food comes near my lips I want to vomit. I am okay with this disorder, some times it is overrated. I just don't feel like eating.
I only have 5 feelings at this time and none of them are positive. All my feelings are dark and cold, I see no end of these horrid feelings. I feel:
- Cold
- Lonely
- depressed
- hurt
- numb
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